Dear Twinky
by twinkylady
Summary: WWE Superstars write to Dear Twinky for advice on important matters such as life, love and appropriate ring attire – and everything in between
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer:I don't own any recognizable personages in this story – they are owned by the WWE and themselves. I make no money from the publication of this story.

Feedback is always welcome but flames toast marshmallows for S'mores! J 

Summary:WWE Superstars write to Dear Twinky for advice on important matters such as life, love and appropriate ring attire – and everything in between.

A/N: My best friend and I constantly discuss the happenings on WWE television, and how if Vince McMahon would just hire us as consultants his product would be SO much better. Since that's not going to happen, I wrote this piece to catalog some of the advice we'd like to give. Warning to the reader: Before going further, please place tongue firmly in cheek. This is humor folks – laugh! :)

Dear Twinky:

As the current WWE Champion, people should be writing me for advice. Everyone knows I'm the Next Big Thing and have had the most amazing first year of any WWE superstar in history. I'm the youngest champ ever- who knows more about how to succeed in this business than me? I'm big, tough, and who else would even try to F-5 the Big Show – especially with a broken rib?

Now, the reason I'm writing is I don't know what to do about Paul Heyman. I wouldn't have made it to where I am without him but he's got a new client, the Big Show of all people! He says I'm still his favorite, but I just don't know if I believe him. Big Show's after my title and Paul will do anything to keep it in his grasp. Should I listen to what he says? Should I fire him? The fans all seem to hate him, but at least they're talking about us. What would you do?

Confused,

Brock Lesnar

Dear Brock,

The answer to your question is as plain as the nose on your face. Get rid of the bum! Paul will screw you six ways from Sunday if you let him. If you decide to keep him on….well, let's just say that in your traveling bag you better pack plenty of Astroglide.

Oh, and by the way – take some acting and public speaking classes for Pete's sake! Mary thinks you're a shoe-in for the role of Juggernaut in the X-Men movies. X2's already done but hey, there's always X3.

Twinky

Dear Twinky:

I am so sick of being so uptight all the time! I think my granny panties are cutting off the circulation to my brain. I want all the me…er, um, people to see me for the attractive, sexy woman I am on the inside! As a rejuvenated virgin, it's important for me to set an example but I just don't think this new look is for me. Can you help me find a way to show off my hot bod but without looking like that tramp Stacy Keibler?

Thanks a bunch!

Virginally yours,

Molly Holly

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Molly, Molly, Molly, what can I say? First off, let me say that I don't think you need to worry about being mistaken for Stacy Keibler. Now, as for your granny panties, hon they have GOT to GO. I don't necessarily agree with the Divas prancing about in their unmentionables on cable TV, but we all know Vince is a dirty old man so you've got to do what you've got to do to keep your job. Fine. That doesn't mean you can't do it with a bit of dignity.

If you don't want to wear the standard issue thong (and if I may borrow a phrase from the Rock – who in the BLUE HELL decided those were attractive? And they're supposed to be comfortable? Excuse me? I spend enough time removing wedges from the crack of my behind – why would I want to put something there INTENTIONALLY?) you can always go with a nice pair of highcut panties or even some bikinis that have a big more coverage. 

Now, as for the hair – girl you have got to get yourself to a good hairdresser tout de suite and in a hurry. That mop on your head is good for floor cleaning and that's about it. You look like my poodle. Brush that mess out and get yourself a cute chopped bob with some texture. You have pretty eyes – you want to highlight them, not hide them!

Next – the clothes. That hideous blouse and those velvet pants should be burned. Immediately. Not simply discarded – burned. Ask Kane if you need help lighting the match. As for colors – some bright jewel tones would be good – red, blue, maybe some purple or green. Nothing shiny or sparkly like Trish, but maybe some slinky knit tops over leggings with some Lycra or even a sports-bra top with some of those cute boy-shorts. 

Anytime you want to go shopping, you give me a ring.

Twinky

Dear Twinky,

Help! I've dyed my hair so many crazy colors that I don't know what to do with it next. Bradshaw helped me buy stock in the Kool-Aid company so I'd get a discount. Also, do you know where I can get more of that day-glo body paint?

Sartorially challenged,

Jeff Hardy

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Dear Jeff,

Bite your tongue! Not only will I not tell you where to get that awful paint, I'd rather hold you down and scrub it off of you (ooh that could be interesting, hehehehehe). As for the hair, it's hopeless. Shave it off and start from scratch. I'm actually surprised you have any left. If you MUST dye it, at least stick to colors close to what's found in nature. The teenyboppers might just leave you alone then.

Contemplating a shower,

Twinky

Dear Twinky,

Those brass knucks I keep in my trunks have rubbed the skin on my abdomen absolutely raw, not to mention the bruises..ahem…down below. Have you any suggestions for a skin soothing regimen? Better yet, how about ideas for new ring attire that would allow me to conceal them without all the pain and suffering?

Yr servant,

William Regal

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Ah sir William, poor thing, you have some skin irritation? Too bad, because you're an irritation to the entire fan base of the WWE. However, it's not my job to pass judgment (oh wait, yes it is or you wouldn't be writing to me!) I will advise you to use some cornstarch powder on the affected area. You can also soften the skin with a wonderful cream called "Udder Cream." Yes, you read that right. It was formulated for use on cow's udders to keep the skin soft and supple and reduce pain during the milking process. Works great for people too. Of course, the quickest way to eliminate your problem is to learn to fight fair and leave the brass knucks at home.

Regarding ring attire – let me first say thank you for getting rid of those awful puce tights. Having said that, any recommendation I can make regarding ring attire involves covering up that fishbelly white flabby body of yours. Cover it up man, nobody wants to see you anywhere close to naked! However, if you revert to wearing one of those unitards like the Big Show (especially one of those one-shouldered things) you will be shot on sight..

Twinky


	2. More letters to Dear Twinky

Dear Twinky,

I've heard you've advised some of the Raw guys on a change of ring attire. I recently made a change myself but I can't decide if I like it or not. The "panties" definitely allow for more freedom of movement and less sweat is trapped against my body, but I'm feeling a little…exposed. What do you suggest?

Chilly Beans in Boston,

A-Train

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Dear A-Train,

I am SO glad to hear from you! There are several things I've wanted to say to you for so long and I finally get the chance. (Rubs hands together briskly). Ok, where's that list? Ah yes, here it is.

Number 1 – this is an absolute requirement regardless of any current or future ring attire. Go to your local drug, grocery or discount store and pick up a couple of cartons of razors and shaving cream. Learn to use them! Razors are your friends. Nair is good also – pick one and soon please! You're scaring animals and small children with that fur coat you're wearing. Last time I checked, the WWE had not hired Grizzly Adams. And another thing – either grow a real beard or goatee, or shave those stupid stripes off your face.

Number 2 – why all the metal? Under all that hair and jewelry, you've got a good face. Why on earth are you hiding it? Earrings are one thing – even a couple in each ear. But the whole nose, lip, nipple and God- knows-what- else thing? Are you a woman trapped in a man's big hairy body? Lose most of it and you might be able to go through airports without being strip searched again.

Number 3 – the panties do not show you to best advantage. Please go back to the black pants and sleeveless shirt. Normally I don't care for sleeveless shirts – especially on a man – but you've got the build to carry it off. The panties and the unitard just make you look flabby. You look more comfortable with a little more covered up. 

Otherwise, love the name change and attitude. Keep it up – with just a little improvement you'll be on top again.

Twinky

Dear Twinky,

I know you can sympathize with my plight…have you got any weight loss tips or diet tricks?

Gratefully,

Rikishi

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Dear Rikishi,

It's a good thing I'm a lady, because if I weren't I'd slap you upside the head. Didn't your mother ever teach you it's impolite to comment on a lady's weight or age? I think all that bleach has rotted your brain. The only diet trick that works is to burn more calories than you ingest. That means that you need to forget you ever heard the words "All You Can Eat." Portion control and exercise are the only ways to do it. You didn't gain 200 pounds overnight, and you certainly aren't going to lose it overnight. I'll ship you a case of Slim Fast to get you started.

Twinky

PS – LOSE THE THONG! That's scarier than A-Train's body hair.

Dear Twinky,

It's true, it's true, I'm writing to you. I can't believe it, but you've been so helpful to some of the other lowlife twits in this company, maybe you can step up to the plate and assist a real American Hero. Actually, it's not me that needs help, it's the WWE fans. They just can't understand an American Hero like me, live and in person. America likes to objectify its heroes and put them up on a pedestal. They don't know how to deal with one when he's in your face like me. What can we do to bring them to a greater appreciation of me and help them show their gratitude for having me in the flesh every week? I'm sure you'll come up with something.

Heroically yours,

Kurt Angle

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Dear Bootyliciou---er uh Kurt,

Well what can I say? Your letter is the deepest pile of BS I've encountered in quite awhile. Excuse me while I find my hip waders so I don't soil my new shoes.

Ok, now then, I'm ready to address your concerns. The fans don't understand you. Imagine that. Kurt, how can you expect us mere mortals to even come close to understanding an Olympic gold medallist such as yourself? The amount of discipline and intense training that an accomplishment like that takes...let's face it…is beyond most individuals who are WWE fans. 

As for getting them to appreciate you – that's another tale altogether. Let's get it out of the way – you won gold in the 1996 Olympics. That was almost 7 years ago. Get over it. While you were winning your gold medals I was the mother of a toddler who was just learning to walk. As you'll find out soon enough, that's a MUCH harder job than competing in the Olympics.

Take the medals home, put them in a display case where they belong and shut the hell up about them! I daresay most people didn't even know who you were until you joined the WWE, gold medals or not. I actually like the fact that you're a heel – now start acting like one instead of a whiny baby. You're beginning to sound like Taker with his bad impersonation of Rodney Dangerfield going on about no respect. Respect is earned buster – you can't get it anywhere else. Give Benoit a run for his money as the best technical wrestler. You've got the skills. It's up to you to use them.

Twinky


End file.
